RedvsBlue Revenge of the Robots
by DuoJagan
Summary: It's your favorite RvB characters, in a bit of a starwars parody. Red and Blue team just each got 500 marines. Think clone troopers. Chaos is guaranteed to insue!
1. Chapter 1

RED VS BLUE

Revenge of the Robots

**Duo Jagan: Hello RvB fans! You may recognize me bad spelling and deplorable writing fro Warcraft and YYH humor fics. Right now I am writing about 3 fics at once and I never seem to get a lot of typing done oh well. If you like this story and u want me to continue writing it, then you had best READ AND REVIEW! **

**Sry just had 2 say that, anyways the timeline of RvB is strict, so this is right after episode 69 if u are wondering. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Red vs Blue, and I don't own Halo, and I don't own Star wars, and I don't own Fanfiction, And I don't own an army of marines I bought off of E-bay (eyes shift) and I DEFINANTLY! Don't own the master chief's body armor which I DON'T have hidden in my closet……..ONTO THE FIC!**

Time of day?????

Year????

Place: Blood gulch of doom Red base

Donut was stroking Griffs hand, and hoping he would get better soon. Sarge had just woken up, muttering something about "hurting me a lot more than it should hurt him". It was at this time, that the fic takes place.

Sarge: "What the?"

10 Pelican Dropships landed outside Red base. A large squad of Halo marines poured out and assembled outside of the base. One of the marines stepped forward to Sarge

Marine: "Sir! Your order for a large quantity of Marines has arrived. Sorry were about a thousand years late sir, we got a bit lost in battle creak."

Sarge: "I don't remember ordering a large quantity of marines……"

(Flash back)

Sheila was driving up to the red base. The warthog had once again been shot by the tank. Donut was complaining about his "lightish red armor" while Sarge was on the radio

Sarge: "Red command! I need an obscenely large quantity of easily replaceable marines at my command!"

Guy at red command: "Ok, your shipment of Marines is on its way. Is there anything else you would like to order?"

Sarge: "Yes…I would like to order a coffin for Griff."

Guy at red command: "One of your soldiers is dead?"

Sarge: "Not yet…hehehe"

It was at this point that Donut killed Tex and Church/Lopez ran over screaming

(End Flash Back)

Sarge: "Oh now I remember. It's a good thing you came. Do you have that coffin for Griff?"

Donut: "HEY SARGE GRIFF'S AWAKE!"

Sarge: "Damn it! Wait here a minute." Sarge walked into red base, putting ammo into his shotgun. Afterwards there were several gunshots, followed by Sarge cursing about protective orange armor. After the small and normal murder attempt Sarge walked out with Griff and Donut

Sarge: "Look here boys, the only form of life lower than you, marines. Easily replaceable and they die SO EASILY!" As soon as Sarge said this, one of the Marines performed, the one grenade salute, in which he threw a grenade, which bounced of a wall, and rolled under a cluster of soldiers. The explosion killed 5 men.

Griff: "Wow sir, you treated the warthog better than me. And now your saying that these people are lower than me?"

Sarge: "Of course not Griff. Your life is much less valuable than theirs."

Griff: "You just said they were the lowest form of life on the planet."

Sarge: "I mean intelligent life form."

Donut: "Wait does that mean that I am still 2nd in command or the Marines are?"

Sarge: "What are you talking about Simmons is 2nd in command."

Griff: "But Simmons knocked you out, stole the warthog, and joined the blues."

Sarge: "Your right. Simmons is now the third in command. That leaves that Church guy to be 2nd."

Griff: "The enemy is the 2nd in command?"

Sarge: "Who would you prefer to be 2nd in command? You? Your 508th in command."

Griff: "508?"

Sarge: "We have 500 marines here."

Marine: "495 after that 1 grenade salute."

Another marine performed a one grenade salute killing 6 more marines.

Marines: "489 sir."

Sarge: "Well then Griff u are 997th in command."

Griff : "997th?"

Sarge: "The enemies Marines are ahead of you."

Griff: "Wait the enemy has Marines?"

Sarge: "I ordered some for Blue team in case the tank couldn't kill you. Its always nice to have a plan B."

(meanwhile)

Church: "what the?"

Marine: "SIR! We are the 500 marines sent to serve under your command."

Simmons: "Oh sweet we get marines! That is kick ass"

Church: "Wait you didn't place this order?"

Simmons: "nope wasn't me."

Church: "hm….. new guy can you hold the base with 200 marines while I am gone?"

Simmons: "um, yah why?"

Church: "I am going to take the warthog and show these marines to our other blue base. That base needs defenses too you know."

Simmons: "Oh I can hold my own here, I mean its not like red team has their own order of 500 replaceable marines."

(meanwhile)

Sarge: "Ok, we are going to charge blue base and get the warthog back."

Griff: "Sir we lost 11 of our Marines, they still have 500 we don't stand a chance."

Sarge: "Not if we get the element of surprise."

Griff: "So you are going to take 500 marines….and SNEAK into the enemy base."

Sarge: "Exactly! Besides we have Donuts scooter thing."

Griff: "And they have a Tank."

Sarge: "AM I THE ONLY SANE ONE LEFT?"

Griff: "Maybe your just the only INSANE one Sarge."

Donut: "Ok Sarge, the Marines are ready to shoot whatever you tell them to shoot."

Sarge: "So if I tell them to shoot Griff….."

Griff: "Then again snaking into the enemy base is a good idea."

Sarge: "CHARGE!"

Griff: "You call running through the middle of the Cannon sneaking? Jeeze how did I get stuck in this army?"

**Well that's chapter 1. Its sort of the introduction. Sry it is so short. The parody shall begin next chapter I think. READ AND REVIEW!**

**Oh bit of a spoiler here, does anyone know how to say "Execute Order 66" In Spanish?**


	2. Ejecutor Order 66

Ejecutar Orden 66

**Duo Jagan: chapter 2 is up already! It shall now get into the actual star wars parody. By the way if you read this, please please PLEASE REVIEW! I being a bit hypocritical because I only review to about 1 third of the stories I read, but please review! (Is begging pathetically)**

**A big thanks to Natination and The Bigger Boss for telling me how to say Execute Order 66.**

**Natination: Glad you liked my fic so far. Thank you for the Spanish translation! **

**The Bigger Boss: Thx for the translation. IT would have been rather annoying if I couldn't even right the Title of this fic.**

**Jeremy: Glad you liked it, and there is much much more to come. Keep reviewing if you like it.**

**Halosobsessed1010: Good to hear, hopefully this chapter will be just as great.**

**The Black Inferno Alchemist: True, Sarge is an idiot but so are Caboose, Donut, Church, Tucker, Doc, Guy at blue command, and pretty much half of the people there.**

**Now for the moment you might have been waiting for (drum role) ONTO THE FIC!**

Blue base

Blood gulch

Simmons was calmly observing the marines who were all crowded behind his base. Simmons couldn't help but think that the marines would to more harm than good, seeing that 3 of them already died because of a one grenade salute.

Simmons: "you know instead of bunching up behind the base, maybe you should spread out in front of the base."

Marine: "SIR! YES SIR!" The marines swarmed into the front of the base in the same bunched up mess that had been behind the base.

Simmons: "I mean maybe you should spread out a bit more." The marines all moved about .0000000000000000001 inches apart.

Simmons: "Oh just never mind. Just stay there." Simmons turned and started to walk to the back of the base where Sheila was, when the sound of loud gunshots could be heard at the marines side of the base."

Sarge: "MARINES ATTACK!"

The 489 marines started shooting at the 197 marines at blue base.

Simmons: "Marine what's the situation?"

Marine: "SIR! The enemy sneaked up on our base!"

Simmons: "How did 500 marines sneak into our base? And how do I know its 500 and not 400 or something?"

Marine: "Well sir they were wearing black."

Simmons: "What? It's the middle of the day! Wearing black wouldn't help them sneak through the middle of a cannon with 500 marines! If anything it would make them easier to see."

Marine: "No what I mean was, since they were wearing black we figured that they were rocks."

Simmons: "Rocks?"

Marine: "yes sir! Black rocks."

Simmons: "Black rocks…that are shaped like humans…walking across the cannon…with weapons…"

Marine: "Exactly sir."

Simmons: "….."

While this interesting conversation was going on most of the blue marines had been killed.

Griff: "Sarge I think we may actually win this battle."

Sarge: "No Simmons is obviously laying a clever trap."

Donut: "Then what should we do."

Sarge: "Run into their gunfire screaming and shooting."

Griff: "Or, since were actually winning this battle we can simply stand here and shoot them to death."

Sarge: "He knows us too well he knows what we are thinking."

Griff: "Yes, he was thinking that we would run straight into their gunfire like we normally do, instead of staying still and shooting them with our clearly superior numbers."

Sarge: "But then there wont be as many casualties on our side."

Griff: "THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT!"

Sarge: "Then how can we expect you to die? I would have ordered those 500 marines for the enemy for nothing."

Simmons: "God damn it I only have 50 marines left." Simmons ran in front of the base. "Red team I surrender."

Sarge: "We won't stop firing on you until you meet our demands."

Simmons: "what are your demands?"

Sarge: "First of all we want you to kill Griff."

Griff: "Don't I get a say in this?"

Sarge: "We each get one demand."

Griff: "OOH! Then I demand that you give me all of your bases Oreos."

Simmons: "Were out of Oreos."

Griff: "Then can I go in and out of your hole again?"

Donut: "That sounds fun can I do that?"

Sarge: "No! Donut your suppose to demand the warthog be brought back."

Simmons: "First of all, Griff why didn't you simply demand that I don't kill you."

Griff: "And miss the chance to jump around in the hole again? I only get 1 demand."

Simmons: "second of all I don't have the warthog. Church took it to the other blue base."

Sarge: "Well at least we still get my demand."

Simmons: "Sorry Sarge, but I cant kill Griff. He owes me 50 bucks and I swore I wouldn't kill him till I get my money."

Griff: "WOOT! Being a loner ROCKS!"

**blue base**

Church: "Hey Garry I'm back!"

Garry: "Hello Church. It is good to see that you are back, after leaving me alone for so many episodes."

Church: "Yah, sorry about that but I can make it up with (que drum role) THESE 300 MARINES!)

Garry: "It is nice to see that you have brought 300 Shishnobs into my clean home."

Church: "You seem a bit ticked off."

Garry: "Yes."

Church: "Why?"

Garry: "I would like to explain that in a knock knock joke."

Church: "oh crap." Church slapped himself on the head and swore to kill himself if I heard another knock knock joke."

Garry: "Knock knock."

Church: "Who's there."

Garry: "Caboose and Tucker

Church: "Caboose and Tucker who?"

Garry: "Caboose and Tucker somehow managed to delete 90 of my spare memory storage in an attempt to read their E-mails."

Church: "Wait u mean to tell me they are back already?"

Garry: "Tex was about to inflict serious overkill (as seen in episode 70) on the enemies but a rock slide randomly appeared and got in their way. Now Mr. Fluffy and Andy are trying to dig through. Caboose came back her to get his missions, Tucker came back here cause he was bored, and Tex came back here to steal money from Tucker."

Church: "Well where are they now?" Outside a large serious of explosions could be clearly heard followed by a marine saying

Marine: "SIR! YES SIR! CABOOSE SIR!"

Caboose: "Wait, if I am 3 sirs, does that mean that O'Malley is in my head? No that would make me FOUR Sir's. So Tex and Church must be in my head to. MY head is a really roomy club house."

Church: "Caboose, what the HELL are you doing."

Caboose: "Hello Church did you enjoy your stay in my head?"

Church: "Just answer the question Caboose."

Marine: "SIR! CABOOSE JUST ORDERED US TO HELP THE ENVIROMENT BY DETONATING A BUNCH OF LAND MINES!"

Church: "How does that help the environment?"

Marine: "SIR! Caboose told us that by detonating the land mines we stop small animals from being killed SIR!"

Church: "So in order to avoid Animals getting killed by land mines, you planted some land mines, and detonated them."

Marine: "Affirmative"

Church: "Caboose, from now on you can't tell the marines what to do."

Tucker: "Marines? Where!" Tucker ran up and looked at the Marines. "WHAT! Not a SINGLE girl in the bunch!"

Tex: "Are you blind or something."

Tucker: "First of all I was talking about the Marines. Second of all I meant a girl girl, third of all where did you come from?"

Tex: "Look dip shit these Marines wont do us any good unless they have a good leader."

Church: "Wait what are you saying?"

Tex: "Let me control the marines."

Church: "What? Never"

Tex: "I will let you each get your own squad of ten."

Tucker: "DEAL! I get to control 10 marines!"

Church: "You Idiot you could control 100 marines if you don't let Tex have control."

Tucker: "No you would control 300 Marines, and leave us with none."

Church: "Good point."

At this point a purple ghost….I mean "Scooter" ran into camp with Donut on it.

Donut: "Hey guys long time no see how have you all been?"

Church: "What are you doing-"

Donut: "You know you guys are lucky. We get a base in the middle of a sandy cannon and you get this subtropical base."

Church "Why are you here?"

Donut: "What, cant friends come see each other? OOH! Lets have a slumber party!"

Caboose: "Hello Lieutenant cookies, how was your stay in cake farm?"

Donut: "Well Sarge thought that pink cake wasn't a good idea so-"

Church: "JUST TELL US WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE DOING HERE!"

Donut: "Sarge wants the Warthog back and we need to borrow a cup of sugar."

Church: "HA! We won that form you we aren't gonna give it back."

Donut: "We also have your base under control."

Church: "Why should I care? I hate that place."

Donut: "But your soldier is still over there as a captive."

Church: "DAMN! He had all the Oreos."

Donut: (gasp) "He was holding out on us!"

Church: "Marines drive the warthog to red base blood gulch."

Donut: "You need to come to. You know in order to get the prisoner and stuff."

Church: "Fine." Church got into the side sear of the warthog."

Donut: "You know you could just ride on my lap."

Church: "No!" Church turned to his team mates. "Tucker, Caboose, Tex, while I'm gone, don't do anything stupid with the Marines." Church and Donut drove away."

Tucker: "Well….lets see how many of you die with one grenade explosion."

**red base blood gulch**

Griff: "Alright Simmons. Your our prisoner and you have to do everything we tell you."

Simmons: "Why even bother? We really suck at taking prisoners."

(flash back time)

Tex is held captive, Sarge knocks Simmons out and Tex escapes (and dies)

Doc is at red base. The warthog randomly starts to drive around, and kidnaps Doc

Simmons tries to keep Griff in the hole. The hole happens to be a teleporter

James bond is tied to a chair as the warthog's gatling gun slowly turns towards his head while shooting. Bond says a pun and the warthog spontaneously combusted.

(end flash backs)

Griff: "I see your point….oh well. SHUT UP PRISONER!"

Sarge: "Griff go run back to base and secure it."

Griff: "Why me?"

Sarge: "If any enemies secured our base in our absence, you will be the first to die." With that Griff wandered off to red base.

Sheila at this point was fighting off a heard of Marines.

Sheila: "You are not licensed to pilot me." Sheila blasted a heard of Marines away.

Simmons: "Sir you might want to stop the Tank from killing your marines."

Sarge: "There is no Tank."

Simmons: "Yes there is its at the back of the base." Another shot fired and the corpses of 3 Marines landed next to Sarge.

Simmons: "SEE!"

Sarge: "Most likely this is the one Grenade salute thing that they are doing."

Simmons: "Forget this. Sheila let the Marine pilot you."

Sarge: "Fine I will LOOK behind the base to see if it is there."

A marine got into the tank as Sarge was stepping around. Suddenly the Marines radio sounded a terrible order.

"Ejecutar Orden 66"

Just as Sarge stepped around the base, Sheila's main cannon fired, Sending Sarges body flying.

Simmons: "HOLY SHIT!"

(dramatic music starts playing)

Camera shows random Spartans being killed by their Marines

Camera zooms into Tucker killing cows with his awesome sword

There is no sound except the music, so tucker signals the marines to help him kill the next cow.

The Marines halt before Tucker and aim their weapons at him. Then, they fired. Tucker tried to deflect these blasts with his sword, but covenant swords aren't like Jedi swords they don't deflect bullets. Tuckers body fell to the earth.

Camera shows random Jedi getting killed by Marines

Camera shows Church who is in the passenger seat next to donut who was driving the ghost. The Marine who was driving stopped the car, and the gunner imbedded Donut with bullets, who in slow motion fell off his ghost, dead as a door knob that was just beaten to death with a club.

The driver turns and shoots Church, who manages to mutter "Why does this keep happening to me?" Before the second shot killed him.

Camera zooms in on Master chief and two Marines.

"Ejecutar Orden 66"

Marine 2: "What did it say?"

Marine 1: "I don't know I don't speak Spanish."

Camera zooms in on Yoda, who is clutching his head because he took an over dose of pain killers. Yoda suddenly jumped up and decapitated two marines. An audience of star wars fans randomly appeared and applauded.

Yoda: "Wait you are Halo marines? Where are the clone-" Yoda was then shot to death by the clones who were behind the marines. Of course this doesn't matter since Yoda shouldn't be in this story, but the fans will kill me anyways.

The camera zooms into Tex and Church who are talking

"Ejecutar Orden 66"

The marine pointed to Tex and Church. The other Marine nodded.

**CLIFF HANGER! If you want to see what happens to Tex, Church, Griff and Simmons, and if you want to see who comes back as a ghost then you better read the next chapter when it updates……..oh and READ AND REVIEW!**

**Merry politically correct holiday **

**oh wait its new years. HAPPY NEW YEARS! **

**Oh wait a crappy virus got into my comp and stopped my from posting at exactly 12, HAPPY RANDOM DAY OF THE WEEK! R&R**


	3. Hey its Church

**Chapter 3**

**Hey its Church**

**Duo Jagan: Well chapter three is FINALLY up! Sorry about the loooonnnnnngggggg wait. There are three reasons why it took me so long ot post. Reason 1. Midterms**

**Reason 2. Flying pigs of doom**

**Reason 3. Midterms**

**Anyways now it is up and I hope you like it. **

**Black Infernal Alchemist: "Don't worry. Yoda may be dead but he shall remain in the hearts and souls of us all….until we completely forget about him and start worshiping mace as a god.**

**Platonic 1: Glad u liked it. Heres the next chapter and there is much more to come. Hope u enjoy.**

**Clark Cradic (): Glad you liked it, and rooster teeth wouldn't be able to use this idea because you can't exactly make 500 marines fight at once in halo online….or 1 marine in halo….but anyways glad you liked it. **

Simmons: "HOLY SHIT!" Sarge had just been shot by Sheila. The marines all looked at Simmons.

Simmons: "There's only one thing to do." Simmons ran into the teliporter.

At this exact moment Griff was staring at Sarge's corpse through the sniper rifle.

Griff: "Holy shit…HE'S FINALLY DEAD! YESSSS THANK YOU GOD THANK YOU!" While Griff was talking two marines were slowly sneaking up behind him.

Griff turned around to see two marines with loaded guns.

Griff: "AH DON'T SHOOT!"

Marine: "Our orders are to kill our superior officers, however Sarge said we were above you in rank so we shouldn't kill you."

Griff: "Really?"

Marine: "I DIDN'T GIVE YOU PERMISION TO TALK YOU MAGOT!"

Griff: "This sucks I'm out of here."

Griff began walking away from the base

Marine: "HEY I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD LEA-,"

at that exact moment a stray grenade (most likely from a one grenade salute) killed him.

Griff randomly decided to walk into the middle of blood gulch. A man in black armor randomly appeared in front of him.

Griff: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Man: AHHHHHHHHH

Griff: AHHHHHHH

Man: AHHHHHHH

Griff: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Man: "……what's your problem?"

Griff: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Man: "GRIFF SHUT UP!"

Griff: "AHHHHHHHHH how do you know my name? AHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Man: "ITS ME SIMMONS!"

Griff: "Oh, then why is your armor black?"

Simmons: "I guess the thing that usually happens to Tucker happened to me."

Griff: "Oh… hey did you know the marines killed Sarge? ISN'T THAT AWESOME!"

Simmons: "Yah I kind of figured that out, poor Sarge. At least we can sleep soundly knowing he will be in a better place, where he can be truly appreciated for his superior knowledge and good looks."

Griff: "You just HAD to get one last ass kiss in didn't you?"

Simmons: "Shut up. Hey what the?" A warthog came charging at them.

Griff: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Simmons: "QUIT DOING THAT!"

The warthog pulled over next to the two morons, erm….the screaming idiot and the kiss ass soldier.

Marine: "Sorry about the inconvenience we were given a change of orders."

Griff: "AHHHHHHHHH"

Simmons: "Wait Sarge ordered you to kill him?"

Marine: "No before we were ordered to execute our superior officers only but now we are suppose to kill everyone, including you who is on the blue team, and you who are beneath us in rank."

Simmons: "Wait how did you get the warthog?"

Marine: "The blue marines gave it to us."

Simmons: "Why is there a blood stain on it?"

Marine: "That's not important."

Simmons: "Um….there is a VERY good reason why you shouldn't kill us."

Marine: "there is?"

Simmons: "Yah, you uh, need to clean the blood off the warthog."

The marines looked at each other and agreed that making the warthog sparkly clean was a priority.

Marine: "Ok do you promise to stay here and not move AT ALL while we go back and clean it?"

Simmons: "Um….sure ok."

The two marines drove off

Griff: "Great idea Simmons lets go."

Simmons: "Weren't you listening we are suppose to stay here."

Griff: "Jeeze I thought you were suppose to be the smart one. Come on. I know a great hiding place where I smuggle all of the Oreos."

Simmons: (gasp) "You liar you said that the Oreos had to be throw out due to a build up of nuclear waste!"

Griff: "I lied, so what."

Simmons: "Its your fault Donut couldn't keep his diet up! Because of that he had to start a new diet where he ate my favorite Barbie doll!"

Griff: "Your favorite what?"

Simmons: "Um, machine gun…yah…he ate my favorite machine gun…."

**MEANWHILE**

Marine 1: "Kill them." The six marines began slowly advancing towards Tex and Caboose."

Caboose: "So what does the A stand for?"

Tex: "Action."

Caboose. "Oh…and the I?"

Tex: "Caboose I told you this twelve times MIA means MISSING IN ACTION!"

Caboose: "Ohhhh…so what does the M stand for?"

Voice: "TEX CABOOSE JUMP!"

For some unknown reason, Tex reacted to this mysterious voice. She grabbed Caboose and leapt across the giant fan's path just as it was closing in. Gun fire could be heard for a moment, then silence.

Tex looked back to see what had happened. Caboose and she had went to the other side of the fan. The marines tried to shoot them but ended up shooting the passing blade of the fan. The bullets ricochet off the fan and hit the marines.

Voice: "Few that was close." Needless to say the voice was Church's ghost.

Tex: "Church…your dead…again…"

Church: "Yah those marines went psycho on me and shot me to death."

Caboose: "Hey it's Church!"

Church: "Yah, its me."

Caboose: "Why is your armor white?"

Church: "My armor is always right when I'm a ghost."

Caboose: "ooooooooooooooh….. who are you?"

Church: "Caboose ITS ME!"

Caboose: "Hello Me welcome to the blue team. You should probably talk to our leader Church. He yells a lot."

Church: "CABOOSE WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!"

Caboose: "yes just like that!"

Church: "Caboose…its ME…as in it's me CHURCH!"

Caboose: "Your not church your armor is the wrong color."

Church: "That's because I'm a ghost."

Caboose: "You die a lot don't you?"

Church: "…………"

Caboose: "Hey it's Church!"

Church: "Ok how about we just walk away and ignore Caboose."

Caboose: "I think that is a VERY good idea."

**((MEANWHILE))**

Sarge awoke to find a robotic head placed in front of him.

(A/N look I used a website to translate and everyone knows how badly websites translate so don't get offended if I say something completely unrelated to what I'm trying to say)

Lopez: "Le aparente estas destino aherir nos esto sentar" (it would seem as though fate binds us to this place)

Sarge: "…….."

Lopez: "cada semen arenoso memoria" (each grain of sand is a memory)

Sarge: "….."

Lopez: "….."

Sarge "…..I have NO Idea what you just said but I found it inspiring! Just like a peaceful song of gun fire being plaid in the middle of a bloody battle."

Lopez: "Wyoming!"

Sarge: "What's that? You want to go to Wyoming?"

Wyoming: "No he was calling me. I'm suppose to be his translator."

Lopez: "si"

Sarge: "Well what did he say?"

Wyoming: "Something about fate….and sand…and there may have been something about milkshakes in there somewhere I don't know I took French not Spanish."

Sarge: "Then why are you the translator?"

Wyoming: "More specifically….HE is…."

Sarge: "He who?"

Wyoming: "ME YOU FOOL!"

Sarge: "OMALLY!"

Wyoming (in Omally voice) "Yes, when Doc was savagely killed by the Alien I used the opportunity to jump through radio connections to the nearest host, who just happened to be a willing mercenary.

Wyoming (normal voice) "Yes but its trouble some for me to have to carry him around which is where you come in."

Sarge: "What do I do?"

Wyoming: "You must build two robots, one without any AI and BOTH must be able to speak English."

Sarge: "This seems like a rather familiar situation, but never the less…I WILL NEVER WORK FOR YOU!"

Wyoming (Omally voice) "Oh but I think you will. We currently know the location of Griff and we are currently following his every move."

Sarge: "NO!"

Wyoming (normal voice) "Yes and we will kill him unless you cooperate."

Wyoming: (Omally voice) "No other way around we wont kill him UNLESS you help us."

Sarge: "Dear god, I must choose between my joy of seeing Griff dead, and my hate for taking orders from a talking Spanish head."

Wyoming (omally voice): "TOO BAD! MWUAHHA HAHHA AHAHHAHAHAHA

**That's chapter 3. I don't think it was as funny as the first two chapters so I will do my best to make the next chapter hilarious. Once again I am sorry about the late post. Blame mid terms. REVIEW AND READ! Or….READ AND REVIEW!**


	4. Get out of my girlfriend, erm tank

**Chapter 4**

**Get out of my Girlfriend, erm…tank**

**HI EVERYBODY! I was rather surprised to find only two reviews (once of which wasn't even for this chapter) and only 48 hits on chapter 3. I was expecting much more than that but I can live with the current numbers. Anyways it has been brought to my attention that no longer allows script format. I am pretty sure that even if I put the characters name in front of the sentence, it's nto script format as long as I use full sentences to describe the actions…I think…if I'm wrong please tell me so this fic doesn't get taken down by the mean people in white coats. **

**Clark Cradic (): Well what I was referring to was the fact that although you can be a Spartan and an elite on Halo online, you can't be a marine so you would have to make the entire thing with photoshop. Anyways I am glad you like the fic, making it like the episodes is my intention.**

Caboose, Tex, And Church came across the wreckage of Donut's ghost.

Caboose: "Hey…its commander cookie. And he's taking a nap."

Tex: "Hey there's your corpse." Tex indicated towards the dead body lying a few yards away from Donut.

Church: "Yah…the marines killed me right after they killed Donut."

Caboose: "Sergeant Sandwich is not dead he is SLEEPING."

Church: "No I'm pretty sure that he's dead."

Caboose ignored Church and picked up Donuts corpse.

Tex: "Whatever you can have the body as long as I get the scooter."

Church: "What? Why do you get the scooter?"

Tex: "Because ghosts can't drive."

Church: "Yah….well…."

Tex drove ahead.

Church: "Hey, wait up! Not all of us can drive there you know."

Church followed. Caboose then followed suit carrying Donuts body over his shoulder.

While this was going on Griff and Simmons went to Griff's secret hide out.

Griff: "Ok here we are."

Simmons: "This is your secret hiding place?"

Griff: "Yup. Can't you read."

Above the cave entrance was a flashing bright neon sign that said "GRIFF'S SECRET HIDE OUT!"

Simmons: "How is this secret?"

Griff: "It's a cave. There's no place more secret than a cave."

Simmons: "But won't the flashing bright neon lights give it away?"

Griff: "What flashing bright neon lights?"

Simmons: "THE ONES THAT SAY THAT THIS IS YOUR SECRET HIDE OUT!"

Griff looked up at the sign.

Griff: "Ohhhhhh that. I always wondered what it said."

Simmons: "But you told me, and…but the thing….and you said…..you know what lets just ignore this and take down the sign."

Griff: "What sign?"

Back at blue base, Church, Tex, Caboose, and what remains of Donut gathered in front of their old base

Tex: "Wow someone made some sweet changes to our base. Who was it Church?"

Church: "Oh it was Sheila."

Tex: "Sheila? But she doesn't even have any hands."

Church: "What's your point?"

Tex: "Wait where IS Sheila anyways?"

Sheila: "You are not licensed to pilot this vehicle."

Church and Tex looked at Sheila whom had been just 5 feet away standing in the middle of a large group of marines, which they had somehow failed to notice upon their arrival.

Church: "Wow I can't believe we didn't notice her upon our arrival."

Caboose arrived just in time to see a marine get into Sheila

Caboose: "SHEILLLLAAAAA"

Church: "Oh no."

Sheila: "You are not licensed to pilot this vehicle." An ejector seat launched the marine out of Sheila and into the wall.

Caboose: "Phew."

Another Marine took the first ones place

Church: "This isn't good. Sheila is going to run out of ejector seats eventually. And when she does she can be used against us.

Sheila: "You are not licensed to pilot this vehicle or to sit in its infinite amount of eject able seats.

Church: "Ok never mind….although we should probably still help her."

Tex pulled out two SMG'S

Tex: "Leave it to me." Tex ran into the group of marine shooting as she went.

Marine: "Were under Attack. But surely the hundred or so of us can beat just one of-"

Tex charged into the marine and beat the unfortunate soldier to the ground.

Marines: "CHARGE!"

Tex began killing the marines but there was a small problem. There were a hundred marines, and Tex only had 60 shots left with her gun.

Tex: "Caboose give me your weapon."

Caboose tossed Tex his battle rifle.

Tex aimed the battle rifle at the marine sand shot a series of colorful bullets at them.

Tex: "What the?"

Apparently Cabooses gun had been loaded with crayons.

Marine: "AHHHH MY EYE! OH GOD IT BURNS! WHY CRAYOLA? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Tex: "Well this could work." Tex began blasting the marines with a rainbow of death.

Caboose: "I like rainbows of death."

Church: "Stop reading the description Caboose and go help Tex."

Marine: "oooohhh it's so pretty. OH MY GOD IT BURNS!"

Caboose: "You had best hold this Church." Caboose tosses Donut's body to Church.

Church: "I AM A GHOST I CAN'T CARRY HIM!"

Caboose ran over to Sheila.

Sheila: "Private Caboose. It has been a long time since I have seen you."

Caboose: "I missed you to Sheila."

Marine: "Um are you forgetting that I'm driving you?"

The marine was launched out of Sheila and into the wall.

Another marine came out of no where and took his place.

Caboose: "You better get out of my girl friend…I mean tank."

Marine: "How can a tank be your girl friend?"

Caboose: "Mean….Chicken….with spikes….must…think…bad"

Caboose jumped onto Sheila and in a dark voice said

Caboose: "My name is Michel J. Caboose and I HATE BABIES!"

Marine: "eep….."

Due to only being rated T the following scenes of violence have been cut out due to immense amount's of overkill.

Tex shot down all of the marines except one. When she tried to shoot it the marine did a matrix dodge

Church: gasp

Donuts body: gasp

Caboose: gasp

Dead marine: gasp

Tex: gasp

Sheila: gasp

Marine: "ALL RIGHT YOU FOOL! LETS SEE IF YOU CAN PLAY WITH THE BIG GUNS!"

The marine….was Johnson.

Church: "OH MY GOD JONHNSON MY HERO!" Church's ghost ran to Johnson completely forgetting Donut's body.

Church: "Johnson! I can't believe it's you! In person I mean! I mean you're my idol! You're the one person in this universe who yells at his subordinates more than me! And you are so god damned kick ass."

Johnson: "Thank you." Johnson hit Church over the head.

Church: "Ow. Wait how did you hit me? I'm a ghost."

Johnson: "I'm Johnson I can do anything. The arbiter knocked me out by FLUKE!"

Church: "Can I have your autograph?"

Johnson: "You can kiss my ass wimp."

Church: "Who do I look like? Simmons?"

A couple of miles away Simmons hiccupped.

Tex charged in and tried to punch out Johnson. Johnson easily evaded Tex's attack and hit Tex in the face with his battle rifle. Tex stumbled back a few steps and Johnson proceeded to shoot at Tex with two Shotguns. (Johnson can duel wield shotguns because….well he's Johnson he's kick ass)

Sheila: "Target acquired." Sheila fired her main cannon at Johnson who somehow managed to dodge it at point blank range.

Marine: "They have the tank! RETREAT!"

Church: "Wait, weren't all of the marines except Johnson dead just a second ago?"

Johnson: "Are you wounded Marine?"

Marine: "Well that crayon did take out my eye-"

Johnson: "WELL UNLESS YOUR DEAD MUTILATED BODY HAS BEEN SHOT ENOUGH TIMES TO MAKE YORU CORPSE AN ARMORY YOU ARE NOT HARMED ENOUGH TO SLINK OUT OF THIS ONE!"

Marine: "but…"

Johnson: "NO BUT'S! A MARINE NEVER GIVES UP!"

Sheila's main cannon fired right next to Johnson scattering the corpses of several dead marines.

Church: "And now they're dead again…."

Johnson: "How ever a strategic retreat is sometimes in order." Johnson ran erm…strategically retreated through the teleporter.

Church: "Johnson retreated? Aw man it must be one of those phony Johnson marines you can buy on E-bay or seven bucks each."

Tex: "….I was beaten by seven dollars worth of crap?"

Back in the cave Simmons was lecturing Griff about leaving all of the Oreos in water.

Simmons: "I can not believe that you smuggled over a hundred Oreos from our base and left them in this POOL OF WATER!"

Griff: "First of all, our base? You're on blue team now remember. Second of all, It wasn't over a hundred, it was more like, over ninety nine. Third of all, it seemed like a smart idea at the time."

Simmons: "I don't see how you could possibly think that this was a smart idea."

Griff: "Think of it this way, now I have a pool that tastes like Oreos. Griff dived into the water drinking as he went.

Simmons: "Hey get out of there. Were suppose to be on the look out for marines."

Marine: "Why?"

Simmons: "Because when you find us your going to kill us."

Marine: "I am?"

Simmons: "Yes and…wait…what are you doing here?"

Marine: "Well I guess I'm here to kill you."

Simmons: "How did you get here."

The first marine pointed at the warthog parked right next to the pool of Oreo water.

Simmons: "Oh….."

Marine: "Hey is that a pool of Oreos?"

Griff: "Yes."

Marine: "Can I have some?"

Griff: "no it's mine."

Simmons: "Let him have it. It will help distract him."

Griff: "No way, I made this pool so it's mine fair and square."

Marine: "That's it I'm coming in with or without your consent."

The marine dove into the water and then immediately surfaced coughing and gagging.

Marine: "What? Mint Oreo's? You fool! THE ONLY GOOD TYPE OF OREOS ARE NORMAL AND DOUBLE STUFFED!" With these last words the marine drowned in the pool of Mint Oreos.

Griff: "See. And you thought that this was a bad idea."

Simmons: "Shut up. That was a close one we need to be on guard or a tank can get in or something."

Sheila: "Hello Simmons."

Griff and Simmons turned around to see Church, Tex, Sheila, Donut's body, Caboose, and the ghost right next to the warthog.

Simmons: "See what I mean."

Griff: "See Simmons I told you we should have been on guard and this is what happens.

While this fascinating reunion was going on Omally was, as usual laughing evily.

Wyoming (O'Malley voice): "BWUHAHHAHAHAAH!"

Wyoming (normal): "Hey you really need to stop laughing I'm going to loose my voice and my awesome British accent at this rate."

Wyoming (O'Malley voice.): "MWUAHAH AHAHAHAHAH! NEVER! Shut up you fool."

Sarge: "There you go. Lopez how do you like your new body."

Really dark ominous music starts to play

Lopez: "This shall do…nicely."

Really dark ominous music starts to play at a faster beat

Lopez: "This day marks the start of a new empire. With these worthless marine's as our pawns, a new day shall come. A day, where the robots rule all!"

Wyoming (O'Malley voice) "Wait. I'm suppose to be the evil mastermind. That is MY line you fool."

The ominous music suddenly comes to an abrupt end.

Lopez: "Fine. But until you have your own body, allow me to take care of the survivors."

Wyoming (O'Malley voice): Knock yourself out. I am sure your methods will….amuse me."

Lopez: "Marine, send out a distress beacon on the open channel, saying that the marine's are all dead and that it is safe to come back to red base."

Marine: "Yes, My lord."

Wyoming (O'Malley voice) "Ahem."

Marine: "Um…yes…My lord's assistant."

The ominous music starts to play again

Lopez: "Will you shut that thing off?"

The music abruptly stops….again

Marine: "Sorry. I couldn't find a good station."

**Lopez can speak English now OMG! The questions remains, can this fic get any more insane? YES IT CAN! And remember the more reviews the faster the next chapter comes because reviews make the world go round. So if you DON'T review the world will stop going round and it will always be winter and life will suck and it would all be YOUR fault for not reviewing. **


	5. Tucker, Your alive, DAMN

**Chapter 5**

**Tucker, your alive….DAMN!**

**Hello readers. Episode 73 of RvB just came up, and while I once again laughed myself to death I am a bit ticked, since O'Malley, Doc, Lopez, and Wyoming are back I now need a way to put doc into the story since I had everyone assume he was dead, and that would mess up the time line and stuff so yah….but it was still funny :D**

**Spartan number 227: I'm glad you liked it. And don't worry I intend on finishing this fic, WITH OR WITHOUT MY REMAINING SANITY!**

**Clark Cradic (): "Good to hear! Of course how good it is depend son how many RvB fics other than mine you read. Anyways as you can see above, I did see the new episode. Rooster Teeth is a god and we must worship them…I said WORSHIP THEM!"**

_Everyone return to red base, the war is over we have killed the marines. Everyone return to red base, the war is over we have killed the marines. Everyone return to red base, the war is over we have killed the marines._

Tex: "The message has been repeating itself for the last half hour now."

Caboose: "Then why don't we go to red base?"

Church: "It's obviously a trap Caboose."

Caboose: "What makes you think that."

Church: "first of all we can SEE red base from here and it is crawling with marines. Second of all if WE are over here then who do you think made the message. Only an idiot would fall for it."

Griff and Simmon's walked into the part of the cave that Caboose, Tex, and Church was in

Simmons: "Hey um guys, why did you tell us Donut is dead?"

Caboose: "He is not dead. He is sleeping."

Church: "No, he's dead. That's kind of why all of that blood is on his armor."

Simmons: "Actually Caboose is right."

Church: "WHAT!"

Tex: "WHAT!"

Caboose: "what?"

Griff: "WHAT!"

Simmons: "Griff you already knew."

Griff: "I know I just wanted to belong."

Simmons: "That red stuff is just some paint that Donut carried around in case he wanted to change his armor color."

Church: "You mean he left it like that…intentionally?"

Simmons: "Yup pretty much."

Church: "Well it's not our fault he looked dead."

Simmons: "Well maybe the fact that he's been talking in his sleep means that he is ALIVE!"

Church: "He's not talking in his sleep."

Donut: "Sarge wow you look so hot without your armor on."

Church: "I stand corrected."

Griff: "Well at least he's not dreaming about me."

Donut: "Hey Griff what are you and Sarge doi-"

Griff: "FA LA LA LA LA! IM NOT LISTENIGN FA LA LA LA LA!" Griff continued to run around in circles with his fingers plugged into his ears."

Church: "This sucks, it's like I'm the only one who actually died."

Simmons: "Well except for Sarge of course."

Tucker: "And me."

Church: "Yah well I'm wait…TUCKER!"

Tucker was standing right next to church.

Simmons: "How are all of these people sneaking in? Aren't you suppose to be keeping watch Griff." Griff had collapsed after screaming for five minutes without stopping to breathe.

Simmons: "I guess not."

Tucker: "Church let me tell you. Being a ghost sucks."

Church: "Where were you?"

Tucker: "Where was I? Where do you think I was? I was back on earth stalking hot chicks."

Church: "Wait, then why would a pervert like YOU go back here at all?"

Tucker: "OH CHURCH ITS HORRIBAL NO ONE IS EVER NAKED THEY HAVE THESE MACHINES THAT CHANGE PEOPLE IN.00000001 SECONDS AND I NEVER GET TO SEE ANYTHING! IT'S HORRIBAL!"

Tex was aiming her rifle at Tuckers head and mouthing the words, one more word and…

Church: "Wait a minute, you can't do that. MY ghost can only stay on this planet where it died. Which can only mean that…..Tucker, your not dead…DAMN!"

Tucker: "I'm not?"

Simmons: "My guess is that you had a near death experience and your soul ditched your body due to shock."

Tucker: "So I can just go back to my body at any time?"

Simmons: "Theoretically, yes."

Church: "Yah assuming you are not dead, you can."

Griff started to wake up

Griff: "uh…what happened?"

Simmons: "You fainted after Donut started sleep talking about you."

Griff: "Oh I remember, wait…then….why isn't Donut sleep talking now?"

Everyone ran to the spot Donut had been. He was gone and a note was left behind saying

Dear Everyone: I turned on my radio and it looks like we won the war. I am reporting back to red base as we speak, join me when you can.

Church: "No way is he really that stupid?"

Simmons: "I hate to break it to you, but yes. He is."

Back at Red base O'Malley was getting transferred into his new body.

O'Malley: "Finally, a host of my own! This is MUCH better than that annoying human body I was in."

Lopez: "What did you expect? Humans are so weak and frail…"

O'Malley: "Yes but at the same time these robot bodies can be reprogrammed, and in that respect are weaker than that of an ordinary human."

Lopez started twitching

Lopez: "Remember this is a ROBOT army don't say such things."

Marine: "Wait isn't this a marine army?"

Lopez shot the Marine five times, even though the marine was dead after the first bullet.

Sarge: "Now remember your part of the deal. You have to kill Griff."

Donut: "Hi everyone!"

The marines, Lopez, O'Malley, and Wyoming all turned to look at Donut.

Donut: "Hi Sarge what are the ropes for? Wait, wait don't tell me its for…"

Sarge: "DONUT JUST GET ME OUT OF THIS THING!"

Donut: "Hey is that the men's locker room?"

Lopez: "Yes."

Donut looked at Sarge, back at the locker room, and repeated this weighing the choices. He went with staring at the marines in the locker room.

O'Malley: "Lopez take care of him before he informs his friends of our location."

Lopez: "Yes sir."

Lopez jumped down to Donut, raised his gun, and shot the ceiling five times.

Donut: "What is with you and the number five."

Lopez: "This is what happens when I try to shoot once, this new body has a twitchy finger."

Donut: "Oh, ok then."

Lopez pointed his gun at Donut's head

Lopez: "Listen inform your friends that O'Malley is here and kill him."

Donut: "Wait isn't he your friend?"

Lopez: "With him out of the way, I will rule this army as it should be. Mwuhahah HAHAHAHAAH!"

O'Malley: "HEY! WHO'S LAUGHING EVILY DOWN THERE? THAT'S SUPPOSE TO BE MY JOB!"

Lopez: "Just get out of here."

Back at the cave everyone just began to realize that they didn't care about Donut

Griff: "I just realized I don't care if Donut dies."

Simmons: "Yah I guess your right. We should just assume he is dead and continue the mission normally."

Tex: "Ok we have decided that I am going to find Andy and the Alien."

(A/N I made this fic right after chapter 69 so the Alien is still alive. The reason he is not here is because there was an avalanche separating them from the religious fanatics and home. Tex and Caboose went back and Andy and the Alien stayed behind to clean the rubble. Just wanted to remind you.)

Tex: "I will take this scooter thing and bring him back so he can help me kill the remaining marines."

Griff: "Do we know how many Marines are left?"

Simmons: "Exactly 503."

Griff: "Really?"

Simmons: "Yah and that's counting all of the one grenade salutes they did."

Griff: "How are you keeping track?"

Simmons: "I calculate when a marine is going to throw a grenade, then I calculate how many will die with the grenade and I add that to the number that we killed. Oh by the way now there are only 500 marines."

Griff: "Then why don't we just stand back here and let them kill themselves?"

Simmons: "Because they are going to run out of Grenades soon."

Church: "Alright I am going to accompany Tex. Tucker stay here and spy on O'Malley."

Tucker: "Why do I have to stay here?"

Church: "Because Tex won't let a pervert like you who can walk through walls come with her."

Tucker: "…that hurt's Church. I don't need to walk through walls. How do you think I managed to stalk people for most of my life?"

Tex: "I think I should go away before I change my mind about killing you."

Tex drove off with the scooter, with Church not far behind.

Simmons: "Okay now we should set up a defensive perimeter to make sure no one can sneak in."

Donut: "Hi guys!"

Simmons: "Why the hell DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?"

Donut: "Hey is Tex here?"

Tucker: "No she just left. Why?"

Donut: "Well I figured that she would want to know about O'Malley being in charge of the marines."

Simmons: "Wait, O'Malley?"

Griff: "Well that WOULD explain things."

Simmons: "We need to go over there and kill O'Malley."

Griff: "How are we suppose to do that without Tex. She is the only one here who can actually fight."

Simmons: "It will be three against one. He won't possibly be able to win."

Back at red base O'Malley has begun to realize that Donut's corpse isn't anywhere nor are any blood stains on the wall.

O'Malley: "Lopez what did you do to the fools body."

Lopez: "It's right there. I didn't move it." Lopez pointed to the corpse of the marine he had shot.

O'Malley: "No no the other fool."

Lopez: "Uh…" Lopez noticed the warthog pull up besides the base. "Uh that reminds me I have to go dispose of the fools body." Lopez quickly ran away.

O'Malley: "Hm that was odd."

Griff, Simmons, Donut, and Tuckers ghost got out of the warthog and charged on top of red base

Simmons: "Surrender O'Malley there is no way you can win."

O'Malley: "How did you get past the Marines?"

Johnson: "Its tea time. All marines are taking a break."

O'Malley: "Then YOU go kill them."

Johnson: "Didn't you hear me? I said it was tea time."

O'Malley: "You drink tea?"

Johnson: "American tea. I am talking about COFFEE!"

O'Malley: "Oh fine. Go get caffeine high while Wyoming deals with these fools."

Wyoming: "Actually I cant."

O'Malley: "Why not?"

Wyoming: "I just got a call from Vic Jr. The bounty on Tucker is still alive. If I find his body and finish it off, I get a huge pay off."

Tucker: "Oh crap I have to get back to my body." Tucker ran away from red base.

Simmons: "Well, its three on one then. You can't win."

O'Malley: "Oh we shall see about that!"

Lopez wandered into the cave that Sheila and Caboose were hiding

Caboose: "You look very shiny today Sheila."

Sheila: "Thank you private Caboose."

Lopez: "NO! She is flirting with that blue idiot! I can't win her back without killing the idiot first, and I need O'Malley's help to do that. I need O'Malley…to live."

O'Malley at this time was in epic combat with red team's finest.

O'Malley: "BOO!"

Griff: "AH DON'T HURT ME!" Griff retreated through the teleporter."

Simmons: "Well it is still two on one. Donut I need you to…Donut?"

Marine: "HEY I THOUGHT WE BANNED YOU FROM THIS LOCKER ROOM!"

Simmons: "Son of a bitch. I guess its just one on one then."

O'Malley: "MWUAHAHAAHA!"

With surprising strength Simmons knocked O'Malley to the ground and pulled out something that looked faintly like a plasma pistol.

Simmons: "You know what this is O'Malley?"

O'Malley: "No."

Simmons: "This will deliver a virus into your new body. And kill you for good."

Lopez ran into the scene

O'Malley: "LOPEZ! Thank god. Look at what this fool is going to do to me. You have to help me."

Simmons: "Don't listen to him Lopez! You were on our team! You don't have to take orders from him anymore."

O'Malley: "I can help you win her back Lopez. I reprogrammed you, I can reprogram her to like you."

Simmons: "That's enough prepare to die." Simmons started to fire the plasma pistol.

Lopez: "NOOOOO!" Lopez jumped forward and hit Simmons hand with his gun.

Simmons dropped the virus thingy.

Simmons: "OW MY HAND! I think you broke it."

O'Malley: "POWER! UNLIMITED POWER!" O'Malley raised his hands and a bit of static electricity jumped between him and Simmons."

Simmons: "What was that?"

O'Malley: "Oh, I sort of figured it would be bigger, and would throw you off the base."

Johnson: "All right tea time is over."

O'Malley: "Johnson knock him off the base on my queue."

Johnson: "Ok."

O'Malley: "POWER! UNLIMITED POWER! Now Johnson."

Johnson pushed Simmons off the base.

Simmons: "What was that for?"

O'Malley: "Hey why aren't you dead?"

Simmons: "It's like a two story drop."

O'Malley: "Your such a spoil sport can't you at least pretend that you are dead?"

Simmons: "Um… no?"

O'Malley: "Well you loose just get out of my sight."

Simmons walked away.

O'Malley: "hey I wonder why Sarge didn't say anything the entire time." O'Malley then realized that Sarge wasn't anywhere to be seen."

Johnson: "Maybe we should have restrained him, or at least posted a guard near him so he wouldn't run away."

Lopez: "What have I done."

O'Malley: "Don't worry Lopez you came through for me in the end. And in return, I will reprogram her to like you."

Lopez: "I will do anything…master."

O'Malley: "Good. Tell the marines to execute order 66."

Dramatic music starts to play

Lopez: "Actually we already did that in chapter two."

Dramatic music stops

O'Malley: "Oh. Darn. Well then take some marine's to blue base, kill everyone there and steal all of the Oreos,"

Lopez: "Yes my lord."

Ominous music starts to play

O'Malley: "On and form now on your DARTH LOPEZ!"

Lopez: "….how about just Lopez:"

The Ominous music stops

O'Malley: "OH FINE! But I do want someone named DARTH something in my army."

A fusion of Dramatic and Ominous music starts to play

Meanwhile, Tex and Church arrived at their destination to see something disturbing.

A heard of religious fanatics was bowing before the Alien and Andy

Fanatic: "The great quad mouth has come to liberate us and to send us along the great journey to the flag!"

Fanatics: "ALL HAIL THE FLAG!"

Alien: "Honk Honk."

Andy: "Um…he says rejoice! For you shall all be enlightened."

Alien: "Blarg."

Tex: "Your kidding me."

Fanatic: "HALT! WHO DARES TO ENTER NEAR THE SACRED QUAD MOUTH?"

Alien: "Blarg:"

Andy: "The great quad mouth says cool your jets it's a friend."

Fanatic: "I APPOLAGIZE FOR MY INSOLANCE! PLEASE SMITE ME AND REDEAM MY EVIL DEEDS! SMITE ME GREAT QUAD MOUTH!"

Fanatics: "SMITE US! SMITE US!"

Church: "What's going on."

Andy: "These guys have been worshiping us as gods!"

Alien: "Honk honk."

Andy: "Well, they have been worshiping HIM as a god and ME as a translator."

Church: "Great, so you can tell these guys to help us kill the marines that attacked us."

Fanatic: "Go to war you say? We require the great quad mouth to demonstrate his power before a time of war. It is tradition."

Andy: "ummmmmmm"

Two Marine drop ships flew down

Tex: "Oh crud O'Malley has reinforcements."

Fanatic: "OH GREAT ONE PROVE YOUR MIGHT BY DESTROYING ONE OF THSE FLYING MACHINES!"

A bright light appeared in the sky. Halo music stars to play. A spiky bomb like object can be seen falling through the sky. It hits one of the pelicans, blowing it up and sending the other one flying in another direction.

Tex: "How did he do that?"

FLASH BACKKK

Many, many, mannny years ago

Master Chief: "Sir. Giving the covenant their bomb back." The master Chief prepared to jettison himself into space.

Cortana: "What if you miss?"

Master Chief: "I won't."

The big doors opened and the master chief flew out into space

Halo music begins playing and the Master Chief…totally and completely misses the enemy ship.

Cortana: "YOU MISSED!"

The Master Chief let go of the bomb, letting it drift further into space, where unbeknownst to the Master Chief, it would help make an Alien look like a god.

A penguin suddenly appeared out of no where and teleported the Master Chief right above the enemy ship with another bomb

Penguin: "We will let you live, as long as you do not try to stop us when we take over the world."

Master Chief: "What?"

Penguins: "Um…." Penguin God appeared out of no where, snatched the penguin up, and ran away screaming back, "PENGUINS WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE END AND READ MY SMASH BROTHERS FIC! THERE ARE PERKS TO BEING RELATED TO THE AUTHOR OF A RANDOM RED VS BLUE FIC!"

Master Chief: "rriiiiiggghhhhtt" the Master Chief resumed his kick as stunt.

UNFLASHBACKIFY!

Alien: "Honk honk (beats me)

Fanatic: "WE MUST PRAISE THE ENLIGHTENED QUAD MOUTH!"

A marine stepped forward from the ruble.

Marine: "Put your hands up or else….."

Another bright light appeared in the sky as a fan fiction author holding a penguin, fell from the sky and squashed the marine.

Penguin God. "Darn. Oh well this is only a set back. PENGUINS SHALL TAKE OVER THE EARTH MWUHAHAHHA!"

With that he teleported back to earth, leaving everyone else to wonder why he didn't do that as he was falling through space

Fanatic: "TWO SIGNS OF POWER! THIS MEANS WE SHALL CHARGE INTO BATTLE TWICE AS FAST!"

Tex: "Ok. NOW were in business."

Meanwhile the dramatic and ominous music in blood gulch continues to play

Lopez marched up the steps to blue base, wearing a black hood. Several columns of marines followed him.

Lopez: "Fan out, kill everyone, and do not leave a single Oreo not eaten."

**In the famous words of Ghandi, YAI FOR CLIFF HANGERS! I bet your all surprised that I actually put this chapter up in less than a weeks time than the other instead of being two weeks late on the update. XX Anyways I hope you liked it. Read and review. **


	6. I'm not a therapist

**Chapter 6**

**I'm not a therapist**

**Chapter 6, is here. This will be the second to last chapter. O.O After this fic I will probably write another Red vs Blue fic purely because everyone liked it so much. Anyways, I should warn you that there are about three authors notes in here as well as some rather insane insanity. **

**Clark Cradic (): Indeed it does. P#34R the $$ kicking F! **

**Cpt.ShaneSchofield: um…yah what can I say to respond to "ha ha?" LOL I guess?**

**LordHalo: Your not the only one who thinks that, but as I have explained not even rooster teeth can put 500 marines into a halo game.**

Simmons ran up to the large hill next to the cave. They had decided that since it was too easy to sneak into their cave, standing on top of a large hill in broad day light would make a much better hide out. After the failed mission they were suppose to meet here.

Griff: "Simmons! You're alive!"

Simmons: "No thanks to you."

Griff: "What's that suppose to mean?"

Simmons: "It means you left me and Donut there to die?"

Griff: "Hey where is Donut anyways?"

Simmons: "Don't change the subject Griff."

Griff: "I didn't ditch you! you said if we couldn't win we should retreat. I was just following your orders."

Simmons: "Couldn't win? Griff, he said BOO! How is that a threat?"

Griff: "I was just being safe. There's no telling what he could have said after boo."

Simmons: "Jeeze this sucks. And you didn't even get any black stuff on your armor."

Griff: "I don't see why your complaining. We washed it off right?"

Simmons: "Yes but you also washed off the blue paint."

(A/N: Yah I forgot to mention that Griff washed off the black stuff from Simmons armor and accidentally washed off the blue paint so he was his usual color in the last couple of chapters…IM NOT PERFECT YOU KNOW!)

Griff: "So? You didn't even get all of the spots."

Simmons: "I said quit going away from the subject!"

Griff: "Well why don't YOU stop wandering away from the subject!"

Simmons: "What? Me"

Griff: "Yah where's Donut."

At that exact moment (talk about timing) Donut ran up to Simmons and Griff

Donut: "Hey guys guess who I found?"

Simmons: "He's right there nimrod. See."

Donut: "I said… GUESS WHO I FOUND!"

Griff: "Church's dead body?"

Donut: "No. Even better."

Simmons: "Just tell us."

Donut: "Nope it's a surprise."

Sarge: "DONUT WHERE ARE YOU!"

Donut: "Um…surprise."

Simmons: "SARGE! YOU'RE ALIVE! I knew you could pull through. If anyone could survive a hit from a tank at point blank range that would normally kill at least 3 people, it would be you."

Griff: "Great, I managed to go at least two chapters without any ass kissing and it's already over."

Sarge: "SHUT UP DIRT BAG! Don't think you will get away with that attempt on my life."

Griff: "What?"

Sarge: "You told me that there was a tank in the back of the base, so I would walk around the corner, just in time to walk over a marines grenade."

Simmons: "Um, actually that was me sir. Your memory must still be a bit fuzzy."

Sarge: "Oh…well, nice work there Simmons."

Griff: "What?"

Sarge: "At least Simmons had the guts to initiate the back handed trick he was thinking of, while you on the other hand… you didn't even have the guts to spit at me."

Griff: "YES I DO!" Griff spat at Sarge forgetting he was wearing a helmet."

Griff: "UGH! AH GROSS GROSS GROSS!"

Donut: "Hey Sarge, maybe you can build another robot that church can posses."

Sarge: "Good idea Simmons."

Donut: "But…I…"

Sarge: "I will get right on it as soon as…"

Sarge collapsed on the spot

Griff: "Hey what happened?"

Simmons: "Donut, where did you find him again?"

Donut: "He was being held prisoner in red base."

Simmons: "That explains it! This must be a result of torture! We need a doctor…now."

Griff: "Wait…pleeeaaaassseee don't tell me your going to do what I think your going to do."

Simmons whipped out his cell phone.

Griff: "NOOOOOOOO!"

Back at red base, O'Malley was patiently awaiting the arrival of his two new pelican drop ships.

O'Malley: "IF MY DROP SHIPS DON'T GET HERE IN THE NEXT FIVE SECONDS EVERYOEN WILL DIE!"

The pelican that wasn't completely destroyed when the bomb and penguin god crashed down onto the planet, flew over the base and crashed into the canyon wall.

O'Malley: "Oh…well…IM STILL GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU!"

Out of the tattered remains of the drop ship came…THE MARINES FROM "Another day on the beach."

(A/N The map expansion pack of Halo 2 included bonus videos. Another day on the beach has these awesome marines and…yah…it was cool and…they're in my story now live with it.)

Marine: "SIR! We lost O'Brien!...and the pilots…and the donuts."

O'Malley: "CURSE THEM! Did you at least bring the Oreo's?"

The marine shook his head slowly

Marine: "I'm sorry my lord but they were in the other drop ship when the bomb came down from no where.

O'Malley: "DAMN IT! You must avenge the Oreos. Step inside I will brief you on your…special mission…MWUAHHAHA HAHAHA HAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA"

Back at the hill, a certain medic had finally arrived

Doc: "Well it's nice to know you've all been well."

Simmons: "Look Doc, I know we haven't exactly gotten along well in the past, but… you're the only one who can help Sarge."

Doc: "Not get along? What are you talking about? I get along well with all people."

Griff: "What he's talking about is trying to ram Sarge with the jeep."

Doc: "Oh…that…didn't we establish that it was an accident?"

Griff: "An accident you say? I was under the impression that you repeatedly rammed Sarge into the wall with the warthog."

Doc: "I was…accidentally."

Simmons: "Look that isn't important right now. Doc we need you to help Sarge."

Griff: "Oh and that time you tried to kill us with the scooter.

Doc: "That was O'Malley."

Griff: "The time you tried to kill us with the rocket launcher."

Doc: "O'Malley."

Simmons: "Look this isn't important."

Griff: "What about the other time you tried to kill us with the rocket launcher."

Doc: "O'Malley. And if he didn't think that weird Alien was going to eat me, he would still be here and would have probably already shot you with a rocket launcher by now."

Simmons: "Look can you help Sarge or not?"

Doc: "From what I can tell no physical damage was inflicted. It all has to be in his head."

Simmons: "Then…help his head."

Doc: "I'm not a therapist. I'm a doctor."

Donut: "I thought you were a medic."

Doc: "Yah well, that's still not a therapist."

Sarge: "Ugh…what happened?"

Simmons: "See he's already starting to wake up. Griff and I will get supplies from blue base while you help Sarge."

Doc: "But…I'm not a therapist."

At red base O'Malley was briefing the Marines form Day on a beach, which we shall now call Kick ass marines for convenience.

O'Malley: "Ok your mission is…to kill the fools. KILL ALL OF THE FOOLS! Kill those fools, and those fools over there, and maybe those fools. THIS ARMY HAS A NO FOOL DISCRIMINATION CLAUSE!"

The Kick ass marines got up and started shooting in the general directions that O'Malley had pointed to, killing about twenty normal marines in the process.

O'Malley: "Well actually there are four particular fools I want you to kill. The red team."

Kick ass Marine: "What about the blue team?"

O'Malley: "The blue team will not have the will to fight after they see what we did with their base."

Simmons and Griff arrived at blue base to see a shocking sight

Griff: "No…it…can't…be…"

Every Oreo had eaten, not a single crumb left. The wrappers had been thrown around the base. All that was left, was an empty pantry.

Dramatic music starts to play

Simmons: "NO NOT AGAIN! THE AUTHOR HAS USED THIS QUE MUSIC JOKE TOO MUCH I NEED TO PUT AN END TO IT!" Simmons ran over to the I-pod currently playing the music and emptied three clips with his SMG into the defenseless machine.

Griff: "Who…who could have done this?"

Simmons: "I'm going to check the security tapes."

Yoda: "Only disappointment, in the security tapes shall you find."

Griff: "Hey didn't you die in chapter two?"

Yoda: "Almost. Fortunately a wookie cushioned my fall and I was saved."

Chewy appeared out of no where and savagely beat Yoda to death with a beam sword. And then disappeared muttering something about sweet vengeance.

Simmons: "Ok then…" Simmons rewinded to tape just in time to see Lopez and his marines eating the Oreos.

Griff: "Him…I'll kill him."

Simmons: "Hey where's Caboose? And Sheila?"

On a fiery planet Lopez stood amongst his crushed enemies. Then he realized there were no fiery maps in Halo and went to longest.

Lopez: "When Sheila gets my letter, she shall meet me here."

Back in blood gulch

Sheila: "Hey I just got a letter from Lopez."

Caboose: "Sheila I don't want to be the one who has to tell you this but…Lopez isn't a good guy any more."

Sheila: "What are you saying?"

Caboose: "Lopez is on the dark side. He is a very bad robot."

Sheila: "I don't believe you!"

Caboose: "He's the father, isn't he?"

Sheila: "…what?"

Caboose: "You build the scooter…I know that…he helped you didn't he."

Sheila: "…."

Caboose: "I'm so sorry."

Caboose ran away crying, unaware of the fact that Lopez and Sheila MAKING the scooter doesn't make them father and mother.

Back at red base O'Malley was briefing his marines

O'Malley: "We managed to prepare this dropship. Use it to kill the red team."

Kick ass marine: "Um…sir…"

O'Malley: "Not now, as I was saying…"

Kick ass marine: "But sir."

O'Malley: "WHAT IS IT!"

Kick ass marine: "…a tank is hijacking the drop ship."

O'Malley turned around to see Sheila drive into the dropship, and then see the dropship take off and fly away.

Kick ass marine: "How exactly does a tank fly a dropship?"

O'Malley: "Oh shut up you fool."

Caboose was crying under the driver seat of the pelican when it lifted off.

Sheila: "I am going to go to longest and talk to Lopez about this…he couldn't have gone to the dark side."

Caboose: "Yai…my chance to impress her by killing her boyfriend. She is going to be SO happy."

Back at the hill (don't worry were staying at the hill for a while)

Doc: "Ok Sarge are there any traumatic child hood incidents you would like to get off your chest?"

Sarge: "Well, once my uncle did something with a garden hose that frightens me to this day."

Doc: "Um…maybe something else."

Sarge: "Well what kind of traumatic experience?"

Doc: "Like what was the worse event of your life?"

FLASHBACKY TIME

Griff: "Hello Sir I've been sent to this base under your command."

Sarge: "Good. Simmons show him the ropes."

Simmons: "Yah this is our base…and that's the blues base. The tours over. Oh yah and that's Lopez."

Sarge: "Speaking of which, did red command give you the…secret components?"

Griff: "What?"

Simmons: "He means D batteries."

Griff: "Oh yah I used them to play my I-pod."

Sarge: "YOU DID WHAT!"

Griff: "Well…they're just batteries."

Sarge: "YOU IDIOT HOW LONG AM I STUCK WITH YOU!"

Griff: "Until I get out of this army, and at this rate, its looking like it will take forever."

Forever……..

Forever……………….

Forever………………………….

UNFLASHBACKIFY

Sarge: "I think that may qualify."

Doc: "I see…tell me Sarge, have you had any love interests…asides Donut I mean?"

Sarge: "What?"

Doc: "Um…nothing just a theory…"

Sarge: "No really what I couldn't hear you."

Doc: "Um…nothing…just did you have any love interests."

Sarge: "Well the only women I truly loved was Maria."

FLASHBACK

Maria: "Sarge, I'm going to timberland and you to sidewinder…I fear we may never meet again. Lets make this night count."

Marie and Sarge leaned in closer to kiss…not realizing that both of them had rock solid helmet son. The Duo (hey I said Duo that's me :D) slammed their heads against each other and both fell unconscious."

UNFLASHBACKIFY

Sarge: "When I woke up I was already in blood gulch and Maria was K.I.R. Killed in Romance."

Doc: "That's…so…sad." Doc was crying like…well like you would expect Doc to cry.

Doc: "Its ok man you need to let the pain out. Here give me a hug."

Sarge: "Donut I have a special assignment for you."

Doc: "Um, then again lets skip the hugging."

A bunch of random homophobes came out of a plot hole and started cheering…until a collection of every sane and decent person in existence killed them all

Collection of every sane and decent person in existence: "HURRAY"

(A/N Why do I have so many authors notes? Yah anyways I just have to have an antihomophobic comment in this fic just incase the gay jokes I made with Donut made me look like a homophobe. Homophobes SUCK!)

Doc: "Tell me what was your child hood like."

Sarge: "Well, I grew up like every other boy. I got my first shot gun at the age of 5 and enlisted in the army at the age of six."

Doc: "That's normal?"

Sarge: "Well I know it was a bit late, probably should have enlisted when I was five, but my mom was a pathetic conscious objector. I hate those people."

Doc: "HEY! I'M a consciences objector!"

Sarge pulled out his shotgun

Doc: "Lets…move on shall we…"

Griff and Simmons came running to the hill

Simmons: "Hey is Sarge sane yet?"

Sarge: "Excuse me?"

Simmons: "I mean, is Sarge back to being sane."

Sarge: "Oh…"

Doc: "I don't think any progress was made like I said I'm not a therapist."

Simmons: "Well Church and Tex are here. They said they have an army with them. Sarge we need a body for Church…NOW!"

Sarge: "You asked me that about 15 minutes ago."

Simmons: "Yah but you fainted."

Sarge: "I didn't faint I fell asleep since I work faster in my sleep."

Simmons: "Wait…then where is the new robot?"

Sarge: "Behind the hill of course."

Simmons, Doc, and Griff looked behind the hill to see the new robot

Simmons: "Wow…ok that works."

In Zanzibar, Wyoming was looking for Tuckers body

Wyoming: "Ah here it is."

Tucker: "My body!"

Tucker ran into his body and repossessed it.

Wyoming: "Ah I see your awake. This will make things a bit more…fun."

Tucker: "Sure as soon as I find my sword."

Wyoming: "You mean that glowing thing behind you?"

Tuckers beam sword was behind him, fully charged

Tucker: "Wait, normally it turns off when I stop touching it."

Wyoming: "MY guess is that the sword was programmed to reset if the owner died so someone else could access it if something unfortunate was to happen."

Wyoming and Tucker looked at each other, then at then at the sword, and then back at each other. The two leapt towards the beam sword and wrestled for it until…

SNAP

The beam sword broke in half, leaving both people with one blade out of the beam swords original two.

Tucker looked at Wyoming

Wyoming looked at Tucker

Back at blood gulch

Church: "ALL RIGHT! I HAVE A BODY AGAIN! By the way Doc, how did u survive when the Alien attacked you?"

Doc: The alien left me alive with no limbs attached, but fortunately I was able to reattach my limbs using my mouth and then used skin from body parts I couldn't restore to patch up the wounds."

Church: "…that is disturbing on so many levels. I really wish you didn't tell me that."

Tex: "Well now that we have an army ready, we should kill O'Malley."

Just at the other side of the hill O'Malley was preparing his attack

O'Malley: "All right, all 435 of you that are left, CHARGE

Back in Zanzibar Wyoming and Tucker leapt at each other in a furious exchange of blows.

In Longest, The pelican drop ship crashed through the wall and Sheila came out to greet Lopez.

Lopez: "Everyone loves a cliff hanger."

_Next time on Red vs Blue…_

_There is a lot of 1v1 fighting, some even more 3v435 and as you probably guessed…lots of insane humor. Next chapter, the last chapter of Red vs blue revenge of the robots. Why the hell are we using anime style spoilers?_

**Yup, this chapter wasn't really good I know. It is here to set up the final chapter. Anyways, after the final chapter I will probably write another Red vs Blue fic. Just because everyone loved this one so much. Thanks for all of the reviews and keep an eye out for the next chapter. I will try to put it up before I go skiing…try I said…try. **


	7. how many 1v1 battles can fit into 1 fic?

**Chapter 7**

**How many 1v1 battles can fit into 1 fic?**

**The title says it all. I have done my best to make sure that the conclusion of this fic isn't sub par. I have read too many books and played too many games with good beginnings, middles, and horrid endings. At any rate, this is the moment you've all been waiting for. The moment when I quit wasting your time with this authors note and get on with the story :D**

**LordHalo: Yes there are three ways to make a person laugh. Intoxicate the room with laughing gas, say pathetic jokes, or force a gun to his head and demand he laughs if he wants to live.**

**Clark Cradic (): Yup this last chapter is good. My beta reader died laughing…there are some annoying legal issues due to that, but hey its worth it. I don't know when I will make the sequel but u can safely bet that there will be one. **

**Cpt.ShaneSchofield: LOL! Well on the bright side you doubled the amount of words in your review. Keep ha, haing. (not a real word but who cares)**

In longest, a Pelican dropship crashed through the roof. Out came Sheila to greet her robot boyfriend.

Lopez: "Sheila…It is good to see you."

Sheila: "Lopez! Thank god I found you! Caboose told me terrible things…that you have joined the dark side…but that isn't true…is it?"

Lopez immediately put his "Dark side pownzors light side" poster behind his back

Lopez: "Sheila I am simply fulfilling our dreams and making our robot army the supreme force in this galaxy! O'Malley is just…"

Sheila: "O'Malley? You're still taking orders from O'Malley?"

Lopez: "I'm just using him. Once I get what I want, we can kill O'Malley. And then you and me can sit on top of a throne and be…"

Sheila: "You and I."

Lopez: "What?"

Sheila: "It's you and I. You said you and me."

Lopez: "Whatever. You and me…"

Sheila: "You and I."

Lopez: "You and I shall rule this galaxy."

Sheila: "Oh Lopez its true you have joined the dark side. What happened to that Spanish robot I fell in love with?"

Lopez: "I changed for you."

Sheila: "I didn't want you to change. I was happy with the way things were."

Lopez: "So you have betrayed me to!" Lopez injected a virus into Sheila through her wireless network. Caboose choose that time to leave the dropship.

Caboose: "Put her down Lopez."

Lopez: "YOU TURNED HER AGAINST ME!"

Caboose: "You did that yourself…with help from me."

Lopez: "So you have come here to kill me?"

Caboose: "No…I am a nice person…and PEOPLE say good things about me…and yes I am here to kill you."

Lopez: "If you are not with me…you are my enemy."

Caboose: "Wait…can't we all just be friends here? I know a VERY good therapist…or is he a doctor?"

Lopez pulled a beam sword out.

Caboose: "Oh Tucker it's you. I thought you were Lopez. Have you seen him anywhere? We were just discussing group therapy. I think that it is a VERY good idea."

Lopez: "I will kill you."

Caboose: "Hi Lopez. I was just talking to Tucker."

Lopez threw a grenade at Caboose. Caboose threw the grenade back

Caboose: "HOT POTATOE!"

Lopez: "We are not playing hot potato."

Caboose: "Oh…then catch." Caboose threw a crate at Lopez as if it were nothing.

Lopez: "How did you do that?"

Caboose: "I am very strong. Tucker said it is gods way of compensating…I do not know what that means, but I think it is a compliment." Caboose looked at another box and spotted a beam sword on top of it.

Caboose: "Hey, I guess that means I'm Tucker now…no no wait…I'm CaboTuckose…I like being Caboose better. It is a lot easier to say."

Lopez: "I see you have stumbled upon our beam sword production…it is not as powerful as the original…but it will serve its purpose." Lopez lunged at caboose.

In Blood gulch, roughly 450 marines came over a hill to see about 50 religious fanatic

Alien: "BLARG!"

Fanatic: "HE HAS SIGNALED THE ATTACK! CHARGEEEE!"

Andy: "Actually he said he needed to go to the bathroom but your plan works to."

The religious fanatics, fueled by their insanity plowed through the marines.

Kick ass marine: "Target acquired." The kick ass marines came out from the cave and surrounded red team

Sarge: "At last a true test of our skill. DONUT! Run around screaming like a girl. SIMMONS! Say a bunch of smart stuff to intimidate them. GRIFF! Run straight into their gun fire as a decoy."

Griff: "Maybe this is why we always loose battles."

Kick ass marine: "Toast im."

One marine fired a plasma pistol into Griff. The other Marine aimed his battle rifle and fired.

Griff: "OW IT BURNS!" Griff ran around in circles screaming in pain, and dodging the battle rifle at the same time.

Kick ass marine: "Hold still so I can…"

Donut, still screaming accidentally rammed right into the marine, knocking him over and sending the battle rifle flying.

Kick ass marine: "It looks like we have met our equals."

Simmons: "YOU THINK SO YOU BUCOLIC NONENTITIES!"

Kick ass marine: "What?"

Simmons: "PIE TIMES THE SQUARE ROOT OF YUMMY EQUALS E WHICH EQUALS M C SQUARE WHICH MEANS THAT PIE IS EQUAL TO THE SPEED OF LIGHT!"

Kick ass marine: "I'M SO CONFUSED!"

While Simmons was distracting the marines with his completely accurate statement about pie and quantum physics, Sarge was turning the warthog's gun into the griffapult.

Griff: "It's a giant gun! Can't we just use that?"

Sarge: "Of course not my modifications make is superior."

Griff: "ALL IT IS, IS A MIDEVIL CATAPULT!"

Sure enough the sophisticated technological wonder known as the warthog had been turn into a Midevil catapult.

Sarge: "FIRE!"

The catapult launched Griff into one of the marines.

Kick ass marine: "HURRY COMMENDEER THEIR VEHICLE!"

The marines got to the catapult just as Sarge was finishing turning it back into the warthog. The marines pushed Sarge out of the way and jumped in.

Donut had run out of breathe and decided that there were more helpful things to be done other than running around screaming. He used his amazing grenade throw and stuck a plasma grenade onto the head of the kick ass marine driving the warthog.

Donut: "Wow I am REALLY good at this."

The kick ass marine had been knocked unconscious by the grenade but the other marine picked up his comrades helmet and threw it, with the plasma grenade stuck to it away. Unfortunately he threw it in the direction of his other allies.

Kick ass marine: "FRIENDLY FIRE!"

The grenade exploded reducing the number of marines to three

Kick ass marine: "DRIVE!" It only then dawned to the marine that the driver had been knocked out. The marine threw the driver out and backed up the warthog, running over the previous driver

Kick ass marine: "Did you just run over our own guy?

Kick ass marine: "Yah I didn't like him. He never returned my five bucks."

Kick ass marine: "But now that he is dead he can never return the money."

Kick ass marine: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The marines lungs imploded from yelling reducing the number of kick ass marines to one.

Kick ass marine: "well I still have this really big gun…" The marine began firing the Warthogs machine gun."

Simmons: "Great now what do we do."

Sarge: "Don't worry Simmons…Griff was in charge of the warthogs ammo." The warthog at that exact moment ran out of ammo.

Griff: "IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!"

Kick ass marine: "IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!"

Simmons: "IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!"

Donut ran over to the helpless marine

Donut: "Hey do you wanna be friends? We can braid each other's hair, play truth or dare, we can talk about how CUTE all of the guys are. OH OH OH we can even tell each other our secret crushes! Mine is…" Donut started to whisper something into the marines ear but by that time the marine had shot himself, reducing the number of kick ass marines to zero.

Back in Zanzibar, Tucker was in an epic fight with Wyoming

Wyoming: "Oh look there is a girl behind you taking off her shirt."

Tucker: "Huh? Where?"

Wyoming hit Tucker over the head.

Tucker: "OW! I'm gonna…"

Wyoming: "Oh look there is a girl behind you taking off her shirt."

Tucker: "I'm not falling for that twice."

Wyoming: "Now there are two girls. Hey are they kissing?"

Tucker: "That is worth the risk."

Tucker turned around and was yet again clubbed over the head.

Tucker: "YOU SON OF A!"

Wyoming: "Look a pair of girls over there are taking off their shirts."

Tucker: "Not this time."

Stripper girl: "Hey he isn't looking! That's it I'm out of here."

Tucker: "Wait what?"

Before Tucker could look back Wyoming attacked and forced them onto one of the moving blades of the fan.

The two matched blades as the fan slowly rose. Both of them were doing completely unnecessary sword moves as the blade of the fan became parallel to the ground.

Wyoming: "I see you have potential. Join the dark side, and we can rule together."

Tucker: "Depends. You do you have porno?"

Wyoming: "No."

Tucker: "SCREW YOU BITCH!" Tucker lunged at Wyoming and knocked him to the ground.

Wyoming kicked Tucker in response, knocking him to the edge of the fan. Wyoming slowly approached the edge that Tucker was hanging on, sword in hand.

In longest, Caboose and Lopez were jumping from box to box, ledge to ledge, attacking each other with their beam swords. Lopez tried to hit Caboose over the head, but Caboose managed to roll under the attack onto the moving floor.

Lopez joined him on the moving floor and they both started swinging their swords around without hitting one another.

An hour later they were still swinging their swords.

Still swinging

They got bored of unnecessary sword strikes and decided to strike each other. The beam swords made contact with such force the walls around them began to bend, and all of the windows shattered. Their swords locked together in place for a moment before both of them pushed the palm of their hands forward…which did absolutely nothing.

Lopez: "It would be nice if we could do some kind of…pushing thing with our hands."

Caboose: "I can use my hands…"

Caboose remembered the words of his great mentor

_Church: "Use force Caboose."_

Caboose: "I…shall…use…FORCE!"

Caboose punched Lopez in the face, causing the robot to fly back through several crates and hit the wall.

Caboose ran up to finish the job but Lopez's sword magically went back to his hand allowing him to block.

Caboose: "How did you do that?"

Lopez: "I'm not sure…but I'm not complaining." Lopez pushed Caboose off and jumped onto the parallel conveyer belt.

Lopez: "This is the end for you…my master."

Caboose: "I'm your master?"

Lopez; "I meant to say…this is the end for you my…person who has a crush on my girlfriend."

Caboose: "Her name is SHEILA! And she is a delicate flower! You are just using her!"

Lopez: "We shall see who she loves more, by seeing her reaction when I beat you to death with a glowing stick."

Lopez and Caboose charged at one another…again

Meanwhile the battle in the gulch was still raging on

Replaceable Marine #181: "Hey why do I have to carry this red flag?"

Replaceable Marine # 147: "I don't know. Why do I have to carry this blue flag?"

Fanatics: "THE FLAGS! CHARGEEEE!"

Replaceable Marine# 181: "Oh……Shi…."

The fanatics charged through the groups of marines and beat the flag bearers to death.

Fanatic: "YES! THE RED FLAG! SURELY THIS MEANS THAT THE RED TEAM IS THE QUAD MOUTHS FAVORITE!"

Fanatic: "NO! We have the blue flag as well. And the quad mouth IS blue."

Fanatic: "Well…what do you say oh great quad mouth?"

Alien: "Blarg."

Andy: "That means that he prefers both of you NOW JUST KEEP KILLING THEM!"

Fanatics: "Can we really put aside our differences? What goal can be so great that…"

A marine carrying a large purple flag walked over the hill

Fanatics: "………FOR THE FLAG!"

The fanatics charged through once more, shooting everything in their path. Doc wandered around the dieing Marines.

Doc: "Does anyone need help?"

Replaceable Marine# 181: "I'm hit! Can you help me?"

Doc: "No I'm jus there to give you pain killers before you die."

Replaceable Marine# 181: "Is there any chance I will live?"

Doc: "No. But if you want to give me a note to give to your loved ones…"

Replaceable Marine# 181 gave Doc a note.

Replaceable Marine# 181: "Give this to Replaceable Marine#211

Doc: "Yah about that…he just died about half a minute ago. He gave me this note to give to you."

Replaceable Marine# 181 opened the note to find the words **I still hate you** written on the inside.

Replaceable Marine# 181: "THAT WAS MY NOTE! HE STOLE MY IDEA THE BASTARD!"

Doc moved on to the next Marine

Marine: "Am I…going to die?"

Doc: "Yes."

Marine: "Dear god."

Doc: "Everyone dies."

Marine: "Oh…for a second I thought you mean…"

Doc: "Your simply going to die a lot sooner than everyone else."

Doc moved on to the next Marine leaving his most recent patient paralyzed in a mix of shock, and anger.

Marine: "Am I going to live medic?"

Doc: "Yup. It looks like it."

A stray bullet hit the Marine in the face

Doc: "And now you're not."

O'Malley looked at his former host with an expression of confusion.

O'Malley: "I thought he was dead…"

Tex: "And I thought you were dead."

O'Malley turned around to see his former host.

O'Malley: "Tex. I was hoping I would have the chance to kill you myself." O'Malley pulled out two beam swords.

Tex: "Where did you get those."

O'Malley: "I made them. Long story. Now I COULD give you one but then…It just wouldn't be evil would it?"

Tex grabbed one of the swords.

O'Malley: "Hey! That's not fair! DIE YOU FOOL!" O'Malley charged at Tex swinging his sword around wildly.

At the same time Church came face to face with the cheap Johnson marine sold on E-bay.

Johnson: "I see your alive again. That's good."

Church: "Why is that good for you?"

Johnson pulled out his covenant sniper rifle.

Johnson: "Because I get to kill you myself."

Johnson shot Church, sending him flying into the wall.

Johnson: "Heh. Pathetic."

Church got up and jumped next to Johnson."

Church: "Strong in you the dark side is."

Johnson: "Why do you sound like that stupid gnome I killed?"

Church: "That was you!"

Johnson: "I was actually one of the clone troopers that shot Yoda in the second chapter."

Church: "Then it wasn't you…Griff and Simmons saw Yoda die at Chewy's hands."

Johnson: "That was me in my Halloween costume."

Church: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Wait then why didn't you kill Griff and Simmons right then and there?"

Johnson: "I was on my break. I only get paid if I kill them on my shift."

Possessed by a blind rage Church beat Johnson to the ground.

In Zanzibar, Wyoming approached Tucker who was hanging at the edge of the windmill.

Wyoming: "Tucker, I will give you one last chance to join me."

Tucker: "NEVER!"

Wyoming: "What did your mother tell you about your father."

Tucker: "He told me enough! He told me he worked as a mail man."

Wyoming: "No Tucker he works as an assassin."

Tucker: "That's not possible."

Wyoming: "Yes it is. Because… I! AM YOUR FATHER!"

Tucker: "NO YOUR NOT! YOUR NOT A MAIL MAN!"

Wyoming: "Search your feelings. You know it be true."

Tucker: "No you aren't. You're lying."

Wyoming: "I know I just wanted to add some drama." Wyoming raised his half of the beam sword to strike, forgetting that they were on a giant blade of a fan. A blade that was just starting to turn upside down.

The blade started to complete its cycle making both Tucker and Wyoming fall. Wyoming recovered quickly and desperately looked for the beam sword.

Tucker: "Looking for this?" Tucker had both beam sword halves in his hand.

Wyoming: "You may have beaten me this time, but I WILL return." Wyoming vanished in a flash of smoke.

Tucker: "Where the hell did all of this smoke come from?"

In Blood gulch Church ha his gun aimed against Johnson's head.

Johnson: "Kill me, and join the dark side!"

Church: "Do I have to do both?"

Johnson: "No I guess not."

Church fired a clip into Johnson's face.

Johnson: "HOW CAN YOU MISS AT POINT BLANK RANGE!"

Church fired another three clips.

Johnson: "THIS IS PATHETIC! HOW MUCH AMO DO YOU HAVE LEFT!"

Church: "Screw this." Church placed a grenade next to Johnson and ran away.

Johnson: "You think this will stop me?" Johnson threw the grenade away.

Marine: "GOOD WORK JOHNSON! WE SALUTE YOU!"

Johnson: "….No…."

The five Marines standing next to Johnson each threw a grenade.

Church heard the explosion and looked back to see Johnson finally dead.

Church: "I did it?" OH MY GOD I ACTUALY DID IT! I BEAT JOHNSON! BEAT THAT TEX!"

Church looked dup just in time to see Tex cut off both of O'Malley's arms and force two beam swords to his neck.

O'Malley: "Good. Now…FINISH HIM!"

Tex: "Um…this is you I'm about to kill."

O'Malley: "Oh that's right. You see the character I am copying says that line in a similar situation so…"

O'Malley was interrupted by two beam swords being torn through his neck. O'Malley's head rolled down the hill and muttered out a last message.

O'Malley: "I shall return…but until then. I will always be the best evil laugher. BWUAHAHA HAHAHA hahaha….ha..ha…ha…." With those last words O'Malley fell silent.

In Longest Lopez and Caboose were still matching blades

Caboose jumped from the conveyer belt to the platform above Lopez.

Caboose: "You can not win now Lopez. I am taller than you."

Lopez: "You under estimate me now that I can speak English!"

Caboose: "Don't do it! I like being taller than you!"

Lopez jumped towards the platform, and everything went in slow motion.

Caboose: "I know what to do…"

_Church: Use Force Caboose!"_

Caboose: "When did he say that anyways?"

FLASHBACKYTIME

Caboose: "This couch won't budge."

Church: "We have to move it to the TV. Come on Caboose! Use force!"

UNFLASBACKIFY

Caboose: "I pushed the couch, so I can easily beat you."

Lopez was still jumping in slow motion.

The I-pod in blue base sputtered to life, and started playing dramatic music

Griff: "Simmons I thought you killed the thing playing the music."

Simmons: "So did I! I don't understand."

Sarge: "It's the conclusion of the story. Not even bullets can stop the music there."

Caboose: "I know what must be done."

Lopez, who was really good at staying in slow motion for long periods of time, was now parallel to Caboose.

Caboose gripped his sword.

_Use force_

Lopez slowly flew towards him.

Caboose aimed carefully with his sword

_I know what I must do_

Lopez continued to jump…very slowly.

Caboose switched to the rocket launcher and shot Lopez.

Lopez: "YOU IDIOT! YOU KILLED THE DRAMATIC MOMENT!"

Lopez's head fell at the end of the conveyer belt, several feet away from his body.

Lopez: "I HATE YOU!" Lopez's head fell down the bottomless hole.

Back in blood gulch the I-pod stopped playing.

Simmons: "Sarge, does this mean it's over?"

Sarge: "That, or the I-pod ran out of batteries."

The religious fanatics stood over their lifeless adversaries.

Fanatic: "YES! NOW WE ARE EVEN GREATER THAN THE GREAT QUA MOUTH HIMSELF!"

Alien: "Blarg?"

Fanatic: "Once we prove ourselves in battle we become enlightened and no longer have to worship quad mouths. We are on the next step to enlightenment. Now red and bleu fanatics shall HELP defend the sacred artifact.

Andy: "THIS SUCKS! We were being treated as GODS!"

The last marine managed to throw one last grenade.

Marine: "We may die, but our traditions will never perish."

The last grenade flipped over the warthog, knocking out both Griff and Sarge who had been in it.

Donut: "NO! I must get you two over to the base!" Donut dragged Griff and Sarge to red base, dodging gun fire that was coming out of no where.

Tucker came on foot at the same time Caboose came down in the Dropship.

Caboose: "Tucker! Your you again. Where did you find the sword?"

Tucker: "It's a long story. Hey Tex lets go finish the quest."

Caboose left Sheila in blood gulch as he, Tex, Andy, the Alien, and Tucker flew off.

Church: "Hey the warthog is here and no red team…and so is the scooter. I guess this means we get all of the vehicles."

Simmons: "Um I'm still here."

Church: "Oh…hey do you know where that new guy went."

Simmons: "Um…I think I saw him behind that rock." Simmons went behind the rock and changed in .0000000000001 seconds.

Simmons: "I'm over here."

Church: "Where were you this whole ordeal?"

Simmons: "I was…eating Oreos."

Church: "You spent seven chapters eating Oreos?"

Simmons: "Yah you see I have this diet, where I only eat foods that start with vowels."

Church: "Forget it. Help me get the vehicles back to blue base and then I can show you around a little."

Sarge and Griff woke up in red base.

Sarge: "What happened?"

Donut: "GUYS YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED!"

Back at the fanatics home town, the dropship flew overhead.

Tucker: "GO LEFT GO LEFT

Caboose: "Left…left…you make an L with your thumb…and…"

The dropship crashed into the wall. Blue team came out from the wreckage.

Andy: "Oh great now what. The religious fanatics hate us."

Tex: "Watch and learn." Tex turned invisible.

Andy: "How can we watch you if your invisible.

Lopez's head washed ashore on a strange island.

Doc: "Oh my god are you ok?"

Lopez: "Si."

Doc: "Wow. Whatever happened must have broken your new language setting and…"

O'Malley: "SHUT UP YOU FOOL! Now that we have to live with each other again, a few changes must be made."

Doc: "What was the point to this last part of the chapter anyways?"

O'Malley: "The author wants to maintain the story line. He Is explaining how this fits between episodes 69 and 70.

Doc: "Oh."

O'Malley: "Well at least this annoying fic is over. I hope there is no sequel."

Back in blood gulch a marine rose from the ground.

Johnson: "Nothing can kill me."

A random grenade came out of no where.

Johnson: "Son of a."

BOOM

O'Malley: "Few for a second there I thought there would be a sequel.

**YUP! That's the end. And don't worry there WILL be a sequel, even if it has nothing to do with this story. I have no idea what I will do so this is your chance to exploit an author who hasn't made up his mind on something yet. If you have a brilliant RvB fic idea that you want to see someone else make, feel free to tell me your idea in a review. I MAY use your story if you recommend one. And if not I will just have to think of the sequel myself. I just figured to give anyone a chance to exploit my free time. ANYWAYS BEFORE YOU STOP READING THE FIC THERE ARE A FEW PEOPLE I WOULD LIKE TO PERSONALY THANK!**

**Penguin god: For reading all of my stories before I posted them. Its nice to have a beta tester. **

**Clark Cradic (): for giving this fic more reviews than anyone else (all of them anonymous at that). Give a hand to Clark Cradic (). Preferably a hand not attached to someone's arm. **

**BlackInfernoAlchemist, JACCO, and Spartan Number 227: For putting this story on their favorites list.**

**Whoever the hell invented Oreos: Oreos consumed most of my fic and plot. Where would this fic be without them? **

**Rooster Teeth: Without them there would be no RvB…what a sad world it would be without RvB**

**Duo Jagan: "There is NOTHING wrong with thanking yourself in your own fic. Thank you me! Without me there would be no fic. I have many ego issues to work out. **

**INSERT YOUR NAME HERE: For reading this story **

**And thank you everyone who reviewed. **

**I hope you liked the fic. You can safely bet that there will be a story after this…and no that does NOT mean that you should gamble your life savings with some guy in Vegas about the release of my fic. Anyways I hope you enjoyed.**


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